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To the Editor:
Re “Lessons in the Lost Art of Listening,” by Kate Murphy (Sunday Review, Jan. 12):
At 76, I can honestly say I have fallen deeply in love with only one person in my life, and it was because he was, and is, the only person who has ever truly listened to me.
He had a knack for turning his face to mine when I spoke, and focusing his gaze directly on my eyes. It felt as if he was looking into me. He would sit silently and never interrupt. When he was sure that I was done, he would then respond directly to the topic of my statement, either by a clarifying question or a related comment to continue our discussion to its natural end.
If there is one single definition I would give to love, it would be to listen as he did, and never stop.
Ann Grogan
San Francisco
To the Editor:
True listening requires that you resist the temptation to respond immediately. But I’ve found this increasingly difficult in group discussions — especially in the virtual meetings so prevalent today.
Anyone who takes a moment to respond in a teleconference inevitably hears “you must be on mute” from the other participants. And that dynamic is carrying over to in-person meetings, where the slow-to-respond are presumed not to be following the discussion. That may be true, but also, ironically, just the opposite.
Catherine Gulsvig Wood
St. Paul, Minn.
To the Editor:
Kate Murphy is right. Effective listening takes a lot of effort, but it’s worth it.
I first became passionate about this topic when I discovered a secret about listening. Twenty-five years ago, I was in the middle of an argument with a family member. I felt frustrated because she wasn’t listening to me. Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t really listening to her either.
I decided to listen to her the way I wanted her to listen to me. When she felt completely heard, she paused and asked me to tell her what I thought. It felt like a little miracle.
Create an open door, not a closed one, for people to say more when they are upset.
Beth Rosen
Bronx
The writer is a psychotherapist.
A Controversy Over Israel and Zionism at a New York Private School
To the Editor:
Re “The Anti-Israel Craze Hits High School,” by Rabbis Ammiel Hirsch and Joshua Davidson (Op-Ed, nytimes.com, Jan. 16):
I am the high school history teacher whom the rabbis characterize as teaching hateful, even anti-Semitic views in their essay attacking anti-Zionist educators.
I am a practicing Jew and the grandchild of Holocaust survivors, in addition to being a scholar of the Holocaust and settler colonialism. On Jan. 9, I was removed from my position at the Fieldston School amid allegations, driven by conservative media outlets, that my criticism of Zionism and my trans identity made me unfit to teach.
It is the role of teachers to present a diversity of ideas and create an environment where students can draw their own conclusions. I believe that it is pedagogically important for teachers and students alike to bring their whole selves to the classroom.
Teachers should not have to appear “neutral” when teaching about grave injustices and violence. Young people must learn to contend with challenging discourse in the classroom, and devastating events in our world, including in Israel/Palestine and the United States.
In contrast, the rabbis’ call for “safeguarded learners” would cut students off from crucial ethical questions and crises of our time.
I do not believe that it is the right of any denomination or faction of the Jewish community to declare itself the mainstream. There is not only one way to be Jewish, and Zionism is increasingly recognized as de facto racist politics. I am a proud Jewish anti-Zionist teacher, and I belong in the classroom.
Solomon Jena (J.B.) Brager
Brooklyn
To the Editor:
Rabbis Ammiel Hirsch and Joshua Davidson are right: There is clearly a connection between the obsessive hatred of Israel in many schools and anti-Semitism on both the left and the right.
When Israel is demonized as no other country is and the word “Zionist” is used as an epithet, it becomes acceptable to hate and attack all Jews.
Although Israel deserves the same criticism as any other country, the single-minded, context-free hatred that pervades academia goes far beyond criticism and is itself, as the rabbis say, “anti-Semitic in effect, if not in intent.”
Sara Miller
New York
Paying Off a Student’s Debt
To the Editor:
Re “How Philanthropists Can Ease College Debt,” by Alissa Quart (Op-Ed, Dec. 27):
Easing college debt is a big problem. Philanthropic efforts, while not the solution, can at least set a model for dealing with student indebtedness.
At the small family foundation with which I work, we repay the federally subsidized student loans of our target students (second-year Hispanic women in engineering, in this case) immediately after they complete their bachelor’s degrees.
Until there is a better and broader solution, we encourage others to adopt this bottom-up approach to easing the financial burden of a college education for those who will be tomorrow’s citizens.
Jane R. O’Neil
Charlestown, Mass.
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Listening Well: A Love Story, and Other Tales - The New York Times
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