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Q. Hi there! I’m nearly 40 and dating the nicest guy I have ever been with. He understands and accepts me in ways no one else has before. We have been dating for four months.
A week ago, I was sharing that I want to sell my place because it is too much upkeep for me (lots of gardens, two separate houses on one lot), and he said I have a place to go. I was so excited about the prospect of moving in together someday, maybe in spring, and thought we could begin discussing how that would work.
But then his 8-year-old dog came over to spend the night and not only peed on the carpet right next to us (as we were actively looking at her), but she also killed a frog in the pond I created that is one of my happy peaceful places. She is 8 and pees on rugs. She has a strong prey drive and can’t even go on walks without putting someone’s back out. She attacks other dogs. She often does not come when called. She destroys the furniture.
I have a compromised immune system and my relaxation time is important to keeping me healthy. She has disrupted my sleep enough times that I don’t think I can live with her. I also have very nice rugs and furniture, and having a nice house is important to me; it makes me feel really relaxed. I’m worried she would destroy my things. I also travel a lot and want to include my boyfriend and his dog, but we’ve tried including her and she behaves so poorly. We even have a crate for her at my house. A crate for an 8-year-old dog. I don’t want him to have to keep spending money on dog sitters. But my boyfriend is a pushover and I don’t think he’s up for training her properly. I don’t want to put more time into a relationship that isn’t headed toward moving in together and getting married. If it weren’t for the dog, it would be. He’s the man of my dreams except for his awful dog. Help.
THE DOGHOUSE
A. “I don’t think he’s up for training her properly.”
You don’t know what he’s up for just yet. It’s worth asking whether he’s willing to talk to a pet professional about how to change his dog’s behavior. You can ask to come along, if that helps.
Also, there are many other compromises that can be made here. A great dog sitter can be part of the plan. And if the two of you live together and share expenses, paying for pet care while you take a trip might feel like money well spent. An investment in your shared experience.
As for life right now, you can’t expect a dog not to be ... well, a dog. If the pond is your special place, call it off limits. Set up an area where the dog can be outside without wandering too far. Ask this man to help you create some physical boundaries so the dog can be around without entering the wrong place.
Again, this is where a trainer/expert can assist. The dog has been brought to an entirely new location. Sometimes when I’m out of sorts and freaked out about where I am, I need help.
And maybe the nerves in me make me want to pee.
I do need to tell you that my first thought was it’s only been four months. You and this man are still learning about each other, still figuring out routines, priorities, etc. If the two of you can communicate well and work together to make your life more peaceful with this dog, it’ll be something you’ve dealt with as a team. This is a chance to see whether both of you can compromise to improve your experience together.
A long life with someone presents a series of challenges. This is just one. Can you be patient as you figure this out as partners? If not, it’s not a match.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Four months and you are already thinking about moving in together?! Please, give this one more time. And, honestly, the dog might be telling you something.
MHOUSTON1
Telling someone how to train their dog is like telling someone how to raise their kid. You sound like you don’t know much about dogs ... lots of people crate their dog throughout the dog’s life. If the dog is a deal-breaker, then break the deal.
BOSTONSWEETS21
I seriously doubt this dog pees all over the owner’s house. I’m guessing that dog doesn’t like the letter writer for taking their human away from them. Most dogs won’t pee right in front of you unless they are upset or angry. The tearing up of furniture is anxiety or boredom, something that could be curbed by regular exercise to tire the beast out. Crating an 8-year-old dog is not weird. Crates are supposed to be a safe space and a sleeping spot. You, letter writer, have created your own “safe space” so I would hope you would understand that.
THERETHEYRETHEIR
Even when dogs are well trained, there is a good possibility life isn’t always going to be serene, peaceful, and without any annoyances. This is not a good match.
LIVE4U
“I don’t think I can live with her.” Probably not. Don’t take him up on his offer. Also, I get it ... our friends’ large dog jumps on the table and chairs during dinner and also pulls food off the stovetop. They pretend to discipline her, but not seriously or consistently. It’s gross.
JACQUISMITH
^I had a roommate who would leave the dishwasher door open so the dog could lick the utensils and plates. Gross.
JIVEDIVA
You two sound like a mismatch. You clearly live an ordered life, his dog reflects his “whatever happens happens” approach. A professional dog trainer will not bridge the gap between your different approaches to life.
HEYITHINK
Did Meredith just admit to peeing on a rug?
BRUCEISLOOSE
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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