Perspective | Carolyn Hax: Adult kids love the beach house — just not when the parents are there - The Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I own a second home in a popular vacation beach. We are mostly retired and spend the summers at this house. Our two adult children both live about three hours away from our primary and second home. We hardly see them, especially after this past year of shutdown.

They both asked to use the beach house for a week with their friends. We are expected to not be there but leave sheets/towels/food etc. and miss two weeks of our summer.

I agreed to this but mentioned we would love if they come and spend time with us. Neither has children and both have plenty of vacation time, so I don’t think time is an issue. I would consider our relationship with both kids as good and there’s no major family drama.

How do I get them not to use us as a hotel? It feels very selfish not to let them enjoy it, but I guess I can’t make them want to spend time with us?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: You have two legitimate concerns and the seeds, soil and irrigation to grow a bumper crop of martyrdom.

Don’t. That’s the foundation of all the advice from here.

First, stop conflating the two real concerns. Separately, they are: 1. You want your kids to visit you. 2. You don’t want to displace yourselves from your own home for their vacations. When you conflate them, it becomes, “Ohhh, so you’ll use the house, but not when we’re in it?” Violins everywhere.

Instead, second, own your emotional wishes: “We’d love to see you. If we chose a week or weekend to have you [both] visit us [at the same time], once every summer, would you be game for that?” Treat your No. 1 concern as a stand-alone, and ask plainly for what you want. Make it as easy as possible for them to give it to you.

Third, don’t read too much into a “no” — they can love you and still opt out.

Fourth, stop saying yesses you don’t want to say. Next time they ask to use the house for their friends: “We’ll be in the house all summer ourselves, but you’re welcome to a week in the offseason.” It is your house! You can choose to use it.

Fifth, sow goodwill by promising that you’ll give them both fair notice if there’s ever a summer week you know you won’t be using.

Allow me to flog this point to within an inch of its life, that these two paths do not cross. You handle your emotional needs on one path and you handle scheduling on the other to ensure that you are not using house access to express your feelings. Doing that is what creates sentences like, “I agreed to this but mentioned we would love if they come and spend time with us,” in which alluded-to emotional agendas lurk under the ungrudging appearance of grudgingly granting a wish. And, “both have plenty of vacation, so I don’t think time is an issue,” in which hard feelings take root in speculation alone.

It’s a credit to you and your husband as parents that you all have good relationships and are drama-free. To purge the beach-house schedule of hidden agendas is your best chance of staying that way.

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Perspective | Carolyn Hax: Adult kids love the beach house — just not when the parents are there - The Washington Post
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