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As a sex advice columnist and Broadway musical fan, do you agree that Camelot had the love triangle dynamics all wrong? Obviously the tip of the triangle is Lancelot, not Guinevere. King Arthur is gay! His first song—"I Wonder What the King Is Doing Tonight"—is all about his terror of getting married. ("You mean that appalling clamoring that sounds like a blacksmith's hammering is merely the banging of his royal knees?") He's terrified! And obviously he has no idea "How to Handle a Woman." He enjoys an upright lance... a lot. And Lance is bisexual and hot for Gwen and Arty! I could go on with Merlin's grooming of young Arthur, that hot bad boy Mordred, etc. Has this always been obvious and I'm just understanding it now, as I sit in isolation listening to show tunes? Or are you as gob-smacked as me that Camelot is totally gay?!?
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Please answer. I'm very lonely and not okay.

Loveless In The Time Of Corona

P.S. Also, quoth Lancelot: "When swords are crossed it's always the same. One blow and au revoir!" I mean, come on!

I think... you're right, LITTOC.


I mean... my God:

How goes the final hour as he sees his bridal bower
Being regally and legally prepared?
Well, I'll tell you what the king is doing tonight
He's scared, he's scared!
You mean that a king who fought a dragon
Hacked him in two and fixed his wagon
Goes to be wed in terror and distress? Yes!

It's clear that King Arthur would rather not be getting married—at least to a woman. And contemplating the bridal bower seems to instill a particular dread.

A gay (or queer) Camelot had never occurred to me, LITTOC, and I am thoroughly gobsmacked and may not be able to listen to Camelot ever again without thinking about Arthur actually being in love with Lancelot. And, hey, if recent productions of Company can feature gay couples and recent productions of Oklahoma can feature lesbian couples, there's no reason why we can't have a gay/bi love triangle version of Camelot. Yours is an entirely legit interpretation of the material, LITTOC, and here's hoping someone, somewhere produces this version of Camelot—your version of Camelot!—once it's safe for us to make and see theater again.

And while you didn't really need sex advice, LITTOC, I'm answering your letter in the hopes that you'll feel a little less alone.

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And for everybody else: please show LITTOC a little love in the comments thread.

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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.
Stuck at home? Got weed? Check out HUMP!'s sister film fest SPLIFF! It's a brilliant collection of films created by the stoned, for the stoned! Stream online anytime at splifffilmfest.com!