MEMO DEAREST Letters leave a tangible record that, unlike texts on an obsolete cellphone, your offspring might discover someday.
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AFTER MYRIAD TEXTS and phone calls, photos, videos and voice memos shared between me and my partner who’s isolating a few states away, one morning I was inspired to scribble out and mail her a schmaltzy, three-page note detailing a version of how I wished our spring might have gone.
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A few days later, she surprised me with a video. It showed her kneeling at a footlocker overflowing with old letters her parents wrote to one another as teens while her father was away at basic training. She thumbed through each, sending me photos of her favorites as she reminisced about their first days and years together and chuckled at the earnest words and looping penmanship.
Now imagine what your own kids will be able to access to tell your story some day. Will you save your smartphone? Will you want them to see everything on there? What happens if you lose the charger?
There’s something about holding the same piece of paper your partner once held—about the thought that went into it, the time it took to write, the literal and figurative impressions that were left, smeared ink, familiar doodles and mistakes, and the long journey it took to arrive. All this makes the sentiments the receiver unfolds a bit more meaningful.
“People are more willing to share of themselves when they’re writing by hand,” said Dr. Tamar Blank, a clinical psychologist who meets with couples in Riverdale, N.Y. “We expect our phones to light up with messages that share simple things to get us through the day. But you’re more thoughtful about what you put in a letter when you know it will take days to arrive.”
Even if you’re in the same house, struggling to find space and quickly running out of words to say to one another, jotting down some personal thoughts and feelings—often left unsaid in the best of times—would be a rare treat for someone to discover in the entry hall or tucked in the corners of a dressing-table mirror.
Then years from now, you can discover the yellowing parchment in a box and recall all the romance, laughs and Netflix you once shared.
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THERE WAS A TIME when sending a text was burdened by the fear your parents would howl at the cell bill that reflected all the 10-cent charges each chime had tacked on. At that rate today, a nightly conversation with my partner might soar past $20—not to mention the ransom Verizon would demand to let me ship her trivial photos captured during my afternoon walk.
But as data costs plummeted and finger speeds increased, texts became the primary way couples communicate: offloading gripes; sending reminders and shopping lists; sharing links, personal news and daily missives letting a partner know he or she is on your mind. All in a private language exclusive to the two of you.
“Letters are good for emotions that don’t erode, but it’s ephemera that builds a life,” said Michael Stewart, a senior lecturer teaching digital communications at Brown University. “It’s not all a grandiose statement. The mundane, the day-to-day, that’s where love is found.”
Yet this quick and casual medium still allows for detailed and desirous words of longing, romantic hopes, nostalgic notes or late-night whims. Such texts can be easily edited, immediately sent and guaranteed to be there when the recipient wakes up. Plus: no need for stamps.
Texting makes room to divulge your emotions and thoughts in the moment, offering both parties instant and shared gratification or needed support, even at great distances. It also lets you build a running log of your relationship that you can look back on fondly at any moment without digging through drawers.
“You’re creating an unintentional memoir, a sort of timeline of the relationship,” said Mr. Stewart. “Within the little mistakes, digital communication gives us something more tangible in a weird way. There’s real value to taking your time to think about what you’re going to say but an immediate response has a better effect.”
Swiping open a text might not be as satisfying as tearing an envelope, but the chimes of a second, third and fourth message more than make up the difference—data rates may apply.
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April 25, 2020 at 02:40AM
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