Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: My married lover is self-isolating with his wife
- Reader asked advice after they have loved a married man for the past 18 months
- Since lockdown the man is working from home and has only sent couple of texts
- Steph said reader knows what they are doing is wrong but wants to know why
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 52 and 54, draw on their 21 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q: I think you’re probably not going to like my question, but I really hope you can help me anyway.
I’ve been in love with a married man for the past 18 months. We were friends at university and met again at a reunion. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. Since then, we’ve seen each other one night every week. But we talk all the time — when he’s at work, we chat all day, with a few messages in the evening but not as many when he’s at home.
An anonymous reader said that they have been in love with a married man for the past 18 months
Since the lockdown I am totally panicked I’m not going to be able to see him, or even talk to him. He’s working from home now and has sent me only a couple of neutral texts.
I can’t believe it — he had talked about leaving his wife. Part of me is furious. I’m Facebook friends with his wife and want to message her to tell her. What should I do?
STEPH SAYS:
Your first sentence pretty much tells me everything about your dilemma. You know what you’re doing is so very wrong, the question you are asking us is why you’re doing it.
You know exactly what you should do now — it’s blindingly obvious that you must stop your affair with this man, keep quiet and stop sending him endless texts.
What is surprising to me is that you might be expecting anything other than that advice.
If you’re asking for my thoughts on how you can physically keep in contact with your lover on ‘lockdown’, or how you can keep the flame burning from a distance, then I’m afraid you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
You should most definitely not be looking for ways to keep him in your life, and I am certainly not going to help you find them. What I can do, though, is try to help you understand why you think you need him at all.
The most striking thing to me from your letter is the screaming lack of any mention of love. It is crystal clear that you are not ‘in love’ with this man. Even through your university years he barely registered on your radar. He is not the love of your life.
Furthermore, this is not the story of two people who were destined to be together. To my untrained eye this feels like a rather grubby fling — he’s been married for a good while and he most probably liked the idea of some exciting extracurricular sex (or, let’s be honest, if he’s been married for a while, just some sex).
Steph, 52, (pictured with Dom) said: 'You know what you’re doing is so very wrong, the question you are asking us is why you’re doing it'
It is clear that he’s not planning a divorce. He’s not even talking about the future. He admits that he fancied you at university — and that is about it, I’m sorry to say.
I fully understand how flattering that must have been to hear, but now is the time to be honest with yourself.
Accept that you have created a relationship based on a fantasy, that you are not madly in love and, I would venture to say, that neither is he.
You have asked us what we think you should do. Well, I think you should stop wasting your emotional energy on this rather futile fling. We do not have the luxury of endless time.
I am fully aware that being alone is scary — especially now — but you should allow him to be where he needs to be, which is with his wife and family.
Be kind to yourself and to him. There is nothing to be gained by keeping this relationship going, and there is nothing to be gained by ruining a perfectly innocent person’s life by telling her that her husband is being unfaithful.
Say goodbye gracefully. I promise you will like yourself so much more when you do.
DOM SAYS:
Well, you’re right — I don’t like your question. This is a disappointing situation to say the least, but it is what it is.
It appears you’ve fallen in love with a married man. You shouldn’t have gone there — and neither should he — but you have and now you have to deal with the consequences.
My initial reaction to this is that you should walk away and just leave him alone.
He is not your plaything, he’s a man who has taken marriage vows. He chose to break them, but that doesn’t make them any less important.
However, while I don’t approve of the deceit, I do understand love. I’ve always believed in true love, and that not everyone gets it right first time around.
If this relationship is really meant to be, well, then, everyone who makes a mistake deserves a second chance.
In your longer letter you say this man had spent years wishing he’d had the courage to ask you out at university. It may well be that you are indeed each other’s soulmates and that your relationship is meant to be.
You don’t say this chap is a father, so I’m assuming there are no children involved, which allows me to make my next point. The coronavirus might turn out to have a silver lining for you. For, as I’ve no doubt we are all starting to discover, being hemmed in at home together during a stressful time can tax any relationship.
Dom advised the reader to leave tha man alone and let him decide in good time what to do
Our marriages will either improve as we gain perspective on what really matters in life and let go of petty squabbles (I predict a massive baby boom in nine months’ time) or they will fray under the strain.
Sad to say, I think alongside bouncing babies and couples who are closer than ever, we will also see a lot of separations and divorces when we emerge from this cloud.
So my advice is to sit back and wait. Leave him alone and let him decide in good time. You may turn out to be his choice.
But, in the meantime, I implore you to leave him and his poor wife alone.
It would be grossly unkind to give to his wife any indication of your affair at the moment.
We all need to be a little more considerate of others at the moment, so keep your distance.
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March 23, 2020 at 01:17PM
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Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: My married lover is self-isolating with his wife - Daily Mail
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