Editor’s note: For the Love of Parenting is a local parenting advice column coordinated by Krystal Arnot, director of the Little Learners Center in Eureka. When parents have questions, she’ll share strategies here.
Q: HELP! I have felt really bad “mom guilt” recently. I feel like I’m questioning myself as a parent and the choices that I have made for my child. It’s starting to affect my and my child’s relationship as well as my relationship with myself. How can I let go of the guilt from the past and be more in the moment for my family?
A: It is so important to practice gentle loving care. The guilt felt is the sign of deep care and concern, and is something that can totally be diminished by self love and some radical self-care principles. Here are some things I’ve learned along the way:
Being grateful and present in the moment is the best medicine. A lot of guilt stems from expectations and the need to accept and let go should be put on the top priority list. Being present with your child/children with conscious efforts of knowing at the end of the day you are doing the very best you can is crucial. Giving credit where credit is due versus focusing on the past shifts your energy into one of promise and potential. Knowing that everyone has their own path and life experiences that shape who they are and despite the trials, tribulations, and those past traumas life goes on and current actions, intentions and energy focus will transfer the “past guilt” to the “hopeful present.”
Doing the self work to tell your past self, inner child, the stuck and dark pieces, telling all of those aspects of self that they deserve the same love, forgiveness, nurturing and care that is given to a newborn child, and/or that person you give your best self, energy and time to. You deserve the same love you give others. If you are giving others guilt trips the same way you are giving to yourself it is usually met with resistance, and not welcomed, nor healing, or productive.
The love and care that you obviously have for your children is enough! You are enough, no action required. Be gentle, you deserve it, your children deserve it, and it ripples out to everything and everyone around you. Rekindle the relationship with yourself without expectation. Think about what you have experienced, what you have overcome and those sweet and soft places in your heart. Focus on that and feel lighter, notice how it shifts the energy and experience with your children today.
Allow yourself to feel. Remember just being is enough. Do proactive, feel good, work. Break down, cry but don’t wallow too long because this life is fleeting, and if us moms are too busy feeling guilty we aren’t spending enough time embracing the precious moments.
Oh, and one other thing — I have not met a mom that hasn’t felt “mom guilt” and it is a feeling that arises often in our culture and for every reason under the sun. Trust and love yourself so your children see how to love themselves. Don’t feel guilty for feeling guilty — it’s a constant that arises. Guilt is the awareness of things that need change, or the sound of self doubt, and regret and aren’t we busy enough working on living our best lives to allow those things to stay long? Feel it, validate it, love yourself let it go, unapologetically tell those feelings they’ve done their job and can leave now. Don’t worry, they’ll be back.
— Amy
Have a parenting question? Send it to letters@times-standard.com with “Parenting” in the subject line.
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