Time, like the White Rabbit, is running out. We, like Alice, follow time down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. Love’s la-la land?
Love is certainly susceptible to lassitude. In time, romance often shows signs of wear and tear everywhere. You may stare at the gaping abyss between the high hopes and their disillusionment, only, as dear Friedrich predicted, to see it staring back at you, threatening to swallow you whole. What felt infinite found its finitude, and so do you. Did the end come too soon, or couldn’t it have come soon enough?
True, sooner or later, all things pass, love is no exception, but it is exceptional in how we wish it won’t, how we wish it endures. Together forever. Or not. How long does love last? How long can it? Couples in modern cultures overwhelmingly break up; just a tiny fraction stay together for many years, far fewer get married, even fewer stay together ‘til death do them part—though the latter’s prospects rise significantly once couples brave the five-year mark. Why?
“Relationship science” has been seeking answers since the late 1960s, first dissecting long-term love to two stages: Passionate love, full of lust, that morphs into companionate love – deep friendship with potential benefits. Where to draw the line?
Wherever we stand facing this line of fire, many suggest we hardly draw it ourselves. We don’t sit at the lustful wheel of love. Driven by biochemical actions, reactions, and interactions, much like other mammals, we take the back seat (for you know what); so better just enjoy the ride while it lasts. This deterministic dance is familiar enough: testosterone handles our sex life, so our selfish gene can get its procreative way; dopamine fuels attraction and reduces our serotonin so we can lose some inhibitions, and have some fun, obsessive thoughts; finally, when we’re ready for some tenderness, endorphins and oxytocin team to make us snuggle. Just don’t expect any secretion of an endocrine gland to make Citizen Kane cuddle.
For fiction authors, like Frédéric Beigbeder, L'amour dure trois ans, “Love lasts three years,” but for most experts, passion passes even sooner. Overall, the euphoric fireworks of pheromones should keep us going for six months to two years when even the pleasures of scent descend. And if your nose struggles to detect your heart’s desire, perhaps this “most studied Love Calculator in the world” can help you know your passion – or lack thereof. Can compassion compensate for the loss of passion, substituting cuddle for seduction? We may not be that lucky. A recent study shows that time has a corrosive effect on passionate and companionate love alike. Love’s a drug until it becomes a drag.
Sometimes a better drug comes along. In Sarah Polley’s 2011 Take This Waltz, Michelle Williams plays the 28-year-old Margot, who decides to leave Lou, her husband of five years, to be with the more attractive Daniel – an unavoidable biochemical trajectory: beauty attracts beauty, and scent makes desire (that’s at least the “vehemently pseudo-Nietzschean” take one review offered).
The film, however, is less concerned with Daniel being so much more attractive; mostly, he is newer. In a revealing shower scene, Margot hears the trite-yet-sage advice, “new things get old,” but chooses to ignore. She follows her heart (read hormones?) and gets what she wants. Or not. The film’s ending unsettles that prospect too, and here’s one fine review to help us contemplate it.
British painter George Frederic Watts once said "I paint ideas, not things." Here he paints Ellen Terry choosing between the camellias, which despite their luscious appearance have little scent, and the violets in her hand which are far humbler in appearance but smell sweeter.
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February 28, 2022 at 12:28AM
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Love’s a Drug Until It Becomes a Drag - Psychology Today
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