Sandi Squicquero: Love, an elusive butterfly - Greeley Tribune

Love means many things to many people. It is also one of the most ill-defined and misused words in the English language.

It is no secret that love is the most complex emotion that exists in our world. Romantic love is separate from other forms of love and we have attempted to define it in songs, novels and other forms of written expression.

Most of us will go to the ends of the earth to find it or to hold on to it. With that said it is truly an elusive butterfly at times.

There is no generation gap or time warp on love, yet at times we get it all wrong by making the wrong choices, or we get it right and something goes wrong.

I have worked with many individuals and couples who are trying to seek love or keep love. In seeking love as we focus on finding the right person we should also focus on becoming the right person for someone else.

Choosing the right person to date, love and marry is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. The first step in choosing right is being ready to be in a relationship.

How do you know that you are ready?  In order to be ready to love someone you first need to love and accept yourself inside and out.

Self-love and self-acceptance attracts a like-minded partner who is mentally stable and able to accept love. You must be ready to take a risk and  to accept true intimacy and the uncertainty that falling in love may bring.

Promoting selflessness and empathy and seeing beyond your desires and needs to what it will take to make someone else happy is an indication that you are ready to love.  Ask yourself ” What strengths can I bring to a relationship? What am I looking for in a life partner? Good character promotes a good relationship.

Falling in love is a beginning to being in love and choosing to love another person. When mature love sets in you have proven to each other that you love and trust each other. You depend on each other and you no longer look for someone else to fulfill your dreams and fantasies. You are best friends.

Then disappointment steps in and your life stage is filled with little annoyances such as,  “I wish we could spend more quality time together”.  Unresolved disappointments early in marriage can result in deeper problems. Although marital disappointments are unavoidable seeking out skills to resolve these issues before marital discord walks in is important to the relationship.

This may be the time for counseling intervention. Marital and/or couples therapy is not for everyone and is not easy. it requires a commitment from both parties.

Honesty and transparency is a must during therapy or it does not work. At this point in the relationship most people want to blame each other for the problems in the relationship. This is usually a cover for deep hurt and anger and many couples are not equipped to handle the conflicts that arise and they often get discouraged and want to end the marriage or relationship.

How do we “divorce proof” our marriage? It is only when we are wise enough to seek out ways to solve conflicts that we have a chance to regain what we have lost.

How do we do that? We take a stand affirming marriage and we do not allow statistics or the failures of others to stand in our way of having a good marriage.

Forgiving is a big step towards healing. We forgive each other for the hurt caused in our relationship. Forgiving helps us reconnect with each other and is a enormous step in re-establishing trust in our relationship.  We meet our partners needs on an emotional level as well as a physical level.

Here are a few thoughts to keep you on track:

Make time for each other, prioritize and turn the electronic equipment off during couple time.
Talk and communicate your plans and your feelings.
When there is a problem be constructive and loving.
Be interested and respectful to what your partner has to say. In doing this we open communication and let each other know we care.

By asking for your needs to be met and being available to meet your partners needs we make our marriages and relationships a priority and divorce proof.

You have made it! You are forever gold. You have seen each other’s best and worst.  You have saved the best for last. Your marriage is based on covenant and commitment. You guard your love, and celebrate it.

Renewing your love is your foundation and supports the marriage bond and helps you to feel rooted in your relationship. When disappointment steps in you cancel out the negative and look towards the positive.

In this stage of marriage love is often unspoken but felt by both people. Passion comes back intermittently like a fire in your fireplace that smolders and continues to grow, or in a smile that lights up a room, or a look that turns your knees to jelly.

It is your happily ever after.

— Sandi Y. Squicquero M.Ed,.LPC, is a licensed professional counselor who works out of the Medical Hypnosis and Counseling Center at 1180 Main St., Suite 5B in Windsor. She has more than 30 years experience as a counselor and is board certified in medical hypnosis.

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Sandi Squicquero: Love, an elusive butterfly - Greeley Tribune
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