For Seniors, Love Is Not Cancelled - Alexandria Gazette Packet

Even during the current coronavirus pandemic, the need for healthy human emotions like intimacy has not disappeared, particularly for seniors.

The lack of positive social connections, which is linked to physical and mental illnesses, has increased during COVID. In fact, 43 percent of adults aged 60 or older, report feeling lonely, according to a study by the National Academy of Sciences pandemic, particularly by those who are widowed or divorced.

While seniors are often reluctant to use online dating services, this year’s pandemic has made finding meaningful companionship a priority, says Barbie Adler, Founder and President of Selective Search, a matchmaking firm.

“Many people might be surprised to know that 57 percent of adults over the age of 60 are sexually active. I would say that sex, when practiced safely, will have a positive affect on the mental and possibly physical health of seniors.”

—Barbara Rubenstein, LCSW-C

“The restrictions and safety precautions put in place by the pandemic has allowed relationships to evolve at a slower pace,” Adler said, a pace older people are more likely to be comfortable with. “Our couples are forming strong bonds over Zoom wine tastings, book discussions, sharing past travel mementos and planning future adventures, and venturing out for picnics in the park,” she said. “Without overbooked schedules and quick dinner reservations, clients are recognizing their own desire to connect, and are enjoying the process of getting to know someone. The first date-second date-third date playbook is no longer obvious."

“Moving toward intimate connection requires trust, the ability to be vulnerable, and the courage to try something new. However, during a pandemic, these are the very things that we are encouraged not to do.” said Carolyn Lorente, Ph.D, a professor of psychology at Northern Virginia Community College, Associate Psychologist at Outpatient Addictions Services in Montgomery County, Md. and a private practitioner.

The need for romantic and even sexual relationships persist during COVID, says therapist and former geriatric nurse Barbara Rubenstein, LCSW-C. “Many people might be surprised to know that 57 percent of adults over the age of 60 are sexually active,” she said. “Obviously chronic illnesses, which increase as a person gets older, can affect that figure, but I would say that sex, when practiced safely, will have a positive affect on the mental and possibly physical health of seniors.”

Older adults have a higher risk of serious COVID-19 complications, and safety measures are critical. But wearing a mask and maintaining a 6-foot distance is a likely obstacle to romance at a certain point.

“COVID-19 is not a sexually transmitted disease, [but] it is spread through respiratory droplets when someone with the virus coughs, sneezes or talks,” said Dr. Benjamin Schwartz, M.D., Division Director of Epidemiology & Population Health for the Fairfax County Health Department. “It can be spread by touching someone's eyes, nose and mouth.”

While researchers at the Mayo Clinic encourage abstinence among seniors who are a greater risk for a serious illness because of pre-existing medical conditions, Lorente believes in creating a healthy balance.

“I have encouraged my clients that physical distancing is not social distancing. When it comes to dating, I'm thinking that getting creative in connecting without putting ourselves at too much risk is the way to go.”

—Carolyn Lorente, Ph.D, a professor of psychology

“Many folks, particularly those who live alone and have been practicing physical distancing as encouraged by the CDC, are experiencing feelings of depression, isolation, and cheerlessness,” she said. “Sure, staying in your own bubble in your house is the best way to protect yourself from the virus, but the negative impact of [depression and isolation] is real too.”

It’s possible to maintain a romantic and intimate relationship while also maintaining a safe social distance. “Many of my older clients are also quite comfortable using technology such as Zoom and Facetime to connect too,” said Lorente. “I've been doing talks over Zoom where people can attend and meet and are way more intimate than let's say a big lecture hall. Interestingly, we may see a move toward longer courtships in order to build trust, which may be really fun.”

In fact, those video conferencing platforms allow partners to dress up and go on virtual dates, watch movies or listen to music together. “I have encouraged my clients that physical distancing is not social distancing,” said Lorente.

“I have a client in her mid-sixties who lives by herself,” Lorente said. “Last session I was checking in with her, worried about possible isolation. She sounded energized.” The client had just finished playing a game of bocce ball in the morning with her new friend.

A 67-year-old widower who lives in Old Town, met a woman who is divorced and 65. They met on eHarmony, getting together before COVID. Both were looking for someone their own age who was healthy, active, attractive and interested in a relationship. They hike and bike together in Rock Creek Park and Great Falls. They traveled together until COVID, and were supposed to go to Italy this summer. They’ve been together for a year and divide their time between her place and his, but they do stay together during COVID-19. They say that they couldn't imagine being alone and socially isolated during this period.

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For Seniors, Love Is Not Cancelled - Alexandria Gazette Packet
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