Question from Chris
How can I practice kissing?
Weezy
Sure, you can practice on your hand. But kissing, like playing the violin, is one of those things you learn by doing. And you are not going to learn this particular skill during a pandemic so give yourself a break from fretting about it.
When you find yourself face to face with someone you feel inspired to kiss, you can say to that person, “I’m nervous.” That can break the tension. You will both be nervous. Trust me.
No one expects a young person to be great at kissing. Learning how to communicate with the person you like is a far more important achievement. Communication will allow you to talk about your fears and your desire to please that person. You can ask for what you prefer regarding kissing, and your partner can do the same. You will learn together.
(Erika Cupcake video)
• • •
Question from Charlotte
I am conflicted. I got out of my first serious relationship before I moved away to another city. I can say we both loved each other deeply, but had a few rough patches.
It came down to him breaking up with me. I guess it was easier for him since I was moving anyway. I loved the guy so much but what hurt me is that after we broke up, he went back to being friends with a bad influence-type of friend who caused many of our problems when we started dating.
When I talk to a mutual friend, I learn that he went back to his old ways. He plays video games and seems to not care about getting to a better place in his career. It’s been almost a year. The first six months were the hardest for me until I met someone else. Nothing really happened with them, but it was nice to know I could like someone again and it helped me get out of the negative mindset I had about my love life.
Anyway, here I am crying again, after not crying for more than five months, over the same guy who broke my heart.
Why do I feel this sad every time my friend slips some news about him? Why do I feel sad when I know I deserve someone better? Why do I feel sad he is friends with that guy again? Why do I feel sad he’s not doing better than when we broke up? Why do I want him to be the best version of himself? Why do I still see potential in him?
Why can’t I just forget about him already? It’s been almost a year and I’m crying as if we had broken up last month. I don’t understand my feelings.
Weezy
We all feel sadness and loss and heartbreak when a relationship ends while we still feel deep attachment. But sometimes what hurts worse and lingers longer are feelings of regret, responsibility and guilt.
Long after I was over a guy I had dated for a few years, I would still cry when I talked about his daughter. This is because I felt not only connected to her but also responsible for her emotional well being and guilty for not being able to continue being there for her in the same way.
She was a child. Your boyfriend is not. His life and his potential and his future are his. They are not your responsibility.
If he was only on a good path because you were steering the car, then that is not a good sign. A healthy relationship requires both partners to be generating similar levels of momentum and purpose. If this guy can not be productive on his own, then he should not be in a relationship with you. It’s not your job to fix him.
So, understanding that when it comes to relationships, you will never again be in the market for a fixer-upper, let’s imagine that you were able to remove all levels of responsibility, regret and guilt regarding this guy. Now what do you feel? Guide your thinking in this direction. Your heart will follow your head.
You do not need a guy you have to manage or motivate. You don’t want a guy who is no good for himself unless you are pushing him to be so.
You want to be in a relationship in which the two of you enhance and enrich one another. When you picture your future that way, you will be better able to let go of what did not happen with your ex.
Let him do him. He is not your problem. He actually never was. Go do you and be your awesome self.
• • •
Question from Vanessa
Why do I fall for guys so much?
Weezy
That may be a question that only you can answer. Are you looking for love or are you actually looking for acceptance, approval, attention and other things that you should be finding within yourself?
When you expect others to fill an emptiness which you, yourself, need to fill, you will find yourself falling in love with love and not with the actual person.
• • •
Got a question for Weezy? Email her at [email protected] and it may be answered in a subsequent column.
— Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker (click here to view her documentary, Family Band: The Cowsills Story), a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called Things I Found Online, and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. Click here to read previous columns. The opinions expressed are her own.
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