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Q. I met a man and things started moving quicker than expected. It felt as though he was love bombing me [using extreme affection for manipulation]. I ignored his over-excitement and just took things slow. I now have stronger feelings for him but we aren’t officially saying we’re exclusive.
He often speaks about how he could see a future with me. In person, we have decent chemistry, but whenever we are together it’s really just business (with a dash of pleasure). When we are apart, his communication skills are completely nonexistent and sometimes dry. It wasn’t always that way, but in the beginning I was the dry one because I didn’t know how to respond to the love bombing.
I don’t want to fall in love with the idea of him instead of who he actually is. Meanwhile, his level of interest — on a scale of 1 to 10 — is 12, he claims. That worries me because maybe he doesn’t know how to love. I feel as though he is trying to fill some sort of void because the one he truly loves got away. He even wrote a song about her and frequently brings her up and says she will always be the one. Is this a situation I should get myself into? Should I be worried that he is using me so he doesn’t feel lonely? What if we start dating and she randomly comes back into his life? Will he leave me for her?
I don’t know what to do. What if the love bombing was just his way of trying to manipulate me into being with him because he is alone? I know that I care for him and would consider dating him seriously, but I don’t want an unnecessary heartbreak if I can avoid one.
What do I do? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, which is why I found myself on this column.
LOVE BOMBED?
A. “I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, which is why I found myself on this column.”
Welcome. We are absolutely people to talk to about this. Or talk at about this. And we have opinions.
Mine is that you should drop this person and look elsewhere for love. This whole letter is about him — you trying to decode what he wants, what he’s asking for, how he might disappoint you. Meanwhile, I’m not convinced you’re that into him. Sure, you’re curious, but he’s been mostly talk and less action. This is a problem for you. “Nonexistent and dry” are not the words I want to read in a letter about potential.
I don’t think he’s love bombing; he’s just inconsistent.
Also, despite desperately wanting to hear the song he wrote about his ex, I don’t think you know about this composition. I’m not sure why his former relationship has been such a big part of your conversations. If he said she’ll always be the one, that means she’ll always be the one! Where does that leave you?
The world is bigger than this man. If it’s going nowhere and it’s mostly hypothetical, try something else. Or time by yourself. Write your own song.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
When a man writes a song about another woman and straight up TELLS you SHE’S the one who got away, listen to him, wish him well, and hightail it in the opposite direction. BOSTONSWEETS21
Uggh, this sound exhausting. MARYORRHODA
Even if you decide to see things through, he will at least subconsciously lose respect for you because he knows he’s not treating you well and sees you accepting that. Either you can keep accepting unacceptable stuff and be in a relationship (or whatever you want to call this), where each person views the other as a placeholder and neither thinks very highly of the other, or you can walk away from this paradox. You’re so wrapped up in whether or not he’s really into you that you don’t seem to notice you’re not that into him either. BONECOLD
The charm offensive may not mean anything sinister, but the inconsistency in communication should be enough to tell you that your man doesn’t mean what he says when he turns on the charm. To say the chemistry is only decent suggests that you like the charm offensive much more than you like the bloke. Move on. AULDYIN
Good gawd, send him packing. THEKIDSRALLRIGHT
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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